I never thought I could be this horny at work, but here I am wandering the produce section, thinking about his cock in my mouth.
There are certain formalities that I find inconvenient. I want to disrupt the peace with my anguish, to kick and scream viciously at this world I can’t find comfort in. But I’ve grown tired of my laments. I should probably just sleep.
I saw an old friend the other day. Well, technically we were never really friends. Though I always thought she was a very nice person who I could have been good friends with if I had taken the time to get to know her. She always said “hi” to me in the halls at school and talked to me even though I always answered with a little laugh and a nod, or a one word answer that led to awkward silences. We hadn’t seen each other in quite some time so our conversation stayed casual, the usual how-you-been sort of small talk, remembering back to classes we shared and the people we lost contact with. I realized after we hugged goodbye in the train station that I’ve missed out on so much because I was distracted by things that now seem silly. I also realized, even in my current life, after thinking I had matured enough to not make the same mistakes, that I in fact had fallen into the same pattern I tried for years to break. I obsess over every little detail, overanalyzing every word, and jumping the gun on things that I should just let pass. I’ve learned that it all just leads to dead ends. I shouldn’t have to dry my eyes with my sleeve hoping no one notices. I shouldn’t know what it feels like to want to die, but I do. Though now I know those feelings don’t own me, I can overcome the heartache without becoming numb. I can feel good and not have to pretend. It all seems so possible, so obviously simple, that this sudden awareness could lead to finally feeling happy.
I was up all night
with some rusty tools
trying to tighten the bolts
I can’t afford to lose
You’re a criminal
On the inside
And you know it
We’re young and reckless
We just want to bleed
To feel love drain
From the scrapes on our knees
Thomas had a fear of heights before he moved to the top floor of a twenty story apartment building. He no longer felt queazy when looking out the window at the city skyline. In fact, it now excites him. He sometimes thinks about being suspended above the city and staring down at the tops of buildings and houses and seeing how the cars on the street below look like little crawling insects. His fear has become a nagging fantasy of wanting to be higher than the clouds, higher than the stars. He knew for him it was impossible, but still he stepped off the edge of the roof, moving his arms as fast as he could. His gaze never left the plane quickly gliding across the sky. In those short few seconds of free fall Thomas truly believed he was flying.
Curiosity leads to sex, and sex leads to even more curiosity. It’s an endless cycle of desire and confusion. A battle between what we are told to hold in and what we so desperately want to let out.
I knew I was afraid all along. Its become too easy for me to just pretend nothing is wrong. I lost myself trying to think positive. Why has it become shameful to be upset about nothing at all, or everything at once? Why aren’t we allowed to wallow in the irrational? If only for a little while.